56. Adranaya's Story (Adranaya)¶
“I haven’t ever told anyone about this,” Adra said. She shook out her arms and hands, steeling herself. “My parents didn’t send me to Thelenza to bring honor to our family. They did it because I had already dishonored them.
“We had several businesses in Kizdesh—a few inns, a place that made beads, a big metalworking shop—but my favorite was the nursery. We imported plants from all over the place. Cacti from Baranaath, ferns from Hoshin, even flowers from the peninsula, which had to live under glass domes. I loved getting dirt under my nails and making things grow.
“My parents hired a Cantereian gardener to help tend the orchard. His name was Liade. He was quiet, reserved, better with plants than people. He was only a year or two older than me, but he just seemed to understand things better than the adults in my life. One of those things was me.”
She traced an idle fingertip through the sand, which was coarse, particles of tiny shells still in the process of being ground down. “I’ve never known where my desires came from. Growing up, I had everything I could want. My parents were busy, and there were six of us, so they left us to our own devices. But no one hurt me, no one demanded things of me or told me what to do.
“And yet, for some reason, that was exactly what I wanted.
“Liade saw that in me, my need to be controlled, the same way he could tell that a certain tree needed more iron, or was getting sun at the wrong time of day. He knew I wanted to give myself to someone completely, to lose myself in someone else’s will. And the other side of that need was inside him.
“We started trying out my fantasies together. The more taboo, the better. It was wonderful.” Adra smiled, remembering those early days, when she didn’t know how brief her happiness would be.
“Liade also had a side business: he brought drugs over the border and sold them in town. He introduced me to Moons of Paradise. We would take them together and explore ourselves and each other. I fell deep into it, and deep into him.
“I started spending more and more time at the nursery, so much that my parents began to wonder what was going on. They sent our family priest, Pizlik, to check up on me. I think they were worried I’d get pregnant or something. What Pizlik saw was much worse, at least to them.
“It wasn’t just that I was subjugating myself. It was that I was subjugating myself to a Cantereian. Pizlik didn’t even interrupt us or let us know he was watching. I think maybe he was enjoying himself. He waited until I got home, and then denounced me in front of everyone. When I denied it, he made me show the marks Liade had left on me.” Above the wavering heat of the candles, she made brief eye contact with Vaye and Gadarien, but couldn’t maintain it as she went on.
“My parents refused to believe that I had understood what I was getting into, that I had wanted to be treated that way, especially by a Cantereian. They thought I was sick. They were convinced he had raped me, or at least coerced me into doing things I didn’t want to do. That he had hurt me in ways I didn’t want to be hurt. They had the police arrest him, and arranged to have him executed. I begged them to believe me, which meant explaining exactly what he had done—what I had asked him to do—in detail that was far more excruciating than any of the acts themselves.
“And even after all that, after I had humiliated myself, Pizlik still had Liade killed. The punishment for drug smuggling was death by cynosure. They made me watch.”
Adra heard Vaye gasp, but didn’t look up. She couldn’t bear to see the look on the Anashi’s face.
“My family tried to keep it all secret, but somehow word got out. My reputation was ruined. I couldn’t stay in Kizdesh. Sending me to Thelenza was my family’s way of not having to think about me anymore. They would have loved for me to become one of the Orumir, just so they could forget about me.
“I had finally started to feel like myself again when the Helix took me. The worst part was that the Healer twisted my own desires, taking something I wanted and forcing it upon me. He took away my ability to choose, even if I sometimes chose to have my choices taken away. Does that make any sense?”
“It makes sense,” Vaye said. Her voice was hoarse. “But I can’t even imagine how awful that must have been.”
Adra nodded and continued. “The Healer made me want to serve the Vorkyrda, to be swallowed up by that desire. But I don’t want to want it.” Tears rolled down her face in a steady stream now, although she wasn’t sure when they’d begun. She felt detached, floating within herself. At some point during the telling, her voice had started to sound like a stranger’s. It was only upon hearing her own story that Adra finally allowed herself to admit that the desires the Healer had implanted in her would always be there. They were part of her now, drawing her to serve the Vorkyrda’s will, to become another tiny spark feeding the vast blaze of the Eyewall. These new impulses were alien, different from the desires she had carried with her into the House of Breezes, and more than anything, she was afraid that she’d stop being able to tell the difference. “I hope you can believe me,” she concluded.
“Of course we believe you,” Gadarien said. Vaye nodded, but looked troubled. Adra wasn’t sure how to convince her. The reality was that she hadn’t entirely convinced herself.
They sat in silence, taking in what Adra had told them, until Gadarien cleared his throat. “I guess it’s me now. But I’m not sure how either of you will be able to trust me, given how much I kept from you.” He dug a hand into his damp hair and stared upward into the darkness. The sunlight was entirely gone now, leaving them to drift together in their tiny vessel of candlelight. “I didn’t want to lie to you. I hated it. My duty to my country, the oaths I swore to the Feiçeira, they were everything to me. But for what it’s worth, I’m sorry.”
Adra squeezed Gadarien’s leg, saying nothing, and he began.
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